i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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