She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
