i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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