i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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