Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
