How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
