So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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