I've blown a few things in my day
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
