she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
