I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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