it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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