dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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