It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
