I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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