Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
