Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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