Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
