Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
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