Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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