im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
