I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
