She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
