I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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