apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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