you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
