I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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