Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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