Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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