Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
