How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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