News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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