dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize
