today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize