I was born with a shot glass in my hand
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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