So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
