its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
