3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
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