so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
