i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
