forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
In other news, I just burned my penis
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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