If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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