Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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