Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
