I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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