I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
