Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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