I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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