im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
