I wish I could punch you in the face.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
