Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
