end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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