Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize