my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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