I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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