I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
