Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
