I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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