I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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