Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
