We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
