Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
