i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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