The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
nutella sex= disaster
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
