how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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