im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
