if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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