Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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