Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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