Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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