I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
