I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
